As a personal and professional leadership coach, I work with all my clients on their values. Why? I have come to understand that making choices and taking actions that are aligned with our values, allows us to live meaningfully. And whether we know it or not, or can articulate it or not, I surmise that a life that has meaning and purpose, is a life well lived.
Over the years of doing this work, I have come to realize that some of our values change and some of them remain steadfast. I have also come to believe that these steadfast values are often foundational and essential to help ourselves create the kind of life we want to live and one of these important values is courage.
Oxford defines courage as
‘the ability to do something that frightens one.’
To me, courage is powerful and anxiety-provoking at the same time. I very much want to be courageous and like many of us, I sometimes secretly worry that I am actually not courageous enough or will not be able to find my courage when I may most need it.
When I think back to what I read, saw and learned as a child, it was a mashup of Arabian tales, Disney movies, The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, Harriet the Spy, Narnia and magic wardrobes, kick the can in the dark, princesses kissing frogs and beasts and princes slaying dragons. The underlying tone of much of this was how courageous one needed to be in challenging times and magical worlds. Which I think still holds true today ~ living fully requires courage.
I don’t see myself as having a heroic enough mindset or what it takes to slay dragons. And if you ask most people, they don’t see themselves as all that courageous either. ‘Cause we think that if I/we had courage, we would be able to face our issues more easily. Slay our dragons quicker.
But what if the courage we wanted and needed today is less about slaying dragons and kissing beasts? What if courage is much more internal? More ordinary?
Brene Brown says, ‘Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroics and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences -- good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as "ordinary courage.’
I can hear you saying, but Maria, regardless of what you call it, speaking from my heart can be very scary and I totally agree. So what if, as per the Princess Diaries (try to curb your judgement re the source and just appreciate the thought :-) ),
‘courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear.’
What could be possible if when we felt fear, anxiety, irritation or worry, we didn’t run away but listened to what we felt. What if we listened to ourselves, ‘and with courage, entered to discover the treasure hidden in our discomfort?’ Bert Hellinger
In the wonderful story of The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch, Princess Elizabeth saves Prince Ronald from a fire-breathing dragon by tricking the dragon into tiring himself out and after she saves the Prince and he admonishes her for not looking pretty enough, she dumps him and dances off into the sunset.
The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch and Illustrated by Michael Martchenko
Princess Elizabeth outsmarted a problematic dragon and then asked herself if she wanted to be with someone who didn’t value her and chose to dance into the sunset instead. She demonstrated smartness in dealing with the dragon but more importantly, she acted with courage by hearing and speaking with her heart to choose dancing over Ronald.
Could we find our own version of dancing into the sunset, if we allowed ourselves to feel and listen to our inner knowing and discomfort when facing our challenges? Could we find that once we accept we feel scared and anxious and worried, we may actually have the courage to:
try a new perspective
take a risk
do something hard
accept something we don’t want and find our grace with it
admit when we make a mistake
have a hard conversation
practice a new habit
trust someone
trust our self
be vulnerable
be open to love
let go of experiences, people and things that no longer serve us
pick ourselves back up after falling or failing, and
most importantly, be ok with who we are.
‘The most precious treasures are guarded by the most terrible dragon. To get to the treasures, you have to go to the dragon … and kiss it.” - Bert Hellinger
As we face our challenges, fears and worries, what if we:
held ourselves with compassion,
accepted our feelings as valid
reflected on what our fear is really about and
asked ourselves, what do we really want here …
Psychologist Susan David notes that, ‘Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is fear walking. It’s moving toward what matters. Give yourself permission to be afraid. Don’t treat fear as the enemy. Treat it with compassion.’
‘Ordinary courage’ is feeling your fear, kissing your dragons, hearing your heart, and trusting yourself and the rest of us that somehow, we will get through it together.
And with it, you are extraordinary.
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